Which basic desires motivate us toward greatness on the athletic field? If you answered ?Ice cream and sex,? then Rex Ryan welcomes you to the Jets. If you just answered ?sex,? then you are Derek Jeter. If you?ve already forgotten the question, would you be interested in writing a guest column for this blog? You seem like Out of Bounds material.
But it may surprise you that athletes actually have 16 basic human desires, or so contends Ohio State psychologist Steven Reiss, who developed the Reiss motivation profile. That?s what one that German Bundesliga League soccer team Hanover is using this year to help coach Mirko Slomka ?familiarize? himself with his players. The fun part is that the Reiss motivation profile seems to be full of questions about sex. And not just basic questions ? it really wants to know what gets your freak on. Sample statements on the Reiss profile are:
?I am what you could call sexually unrestrained.?
?I want any sex I can get.?
?I have a lot of erotic fantasies.?
Players evaluate each statement on a scale of -3 to +3, and a team of psychologists then determine what makes them tick.
Smoke coming from laptop, which begins to wobble and shoot sparks.
PSYCHOLOGIST 1: ?You fool! I told you not to run Dennis Rodman?s profile!?
PSYCHOLOGIST 2: ?AiiEE! It?s in flames!?
PSYCHOLOGIST 1 (grabs fire extinguisher): ?Run! Save yourselves!?
Coach Slomka, according to the Guardian UK, said that he had already completed the 128 survey questions, and that the players were free to see his responses if they wanted. (Form an orderly line!) Slomka to Bild magazine: ?With this test I know how I can best reach each player.?
Yes, by phone, if I?m any judge of male pro athletes.
But Hanover is all in with this experiment, and has even hired a ?motivation consultant,? Peter Boltersdorf.
?Each player needs different conditions to perform at his best over a long period,? Boltersdorf said. ?This is what I have to look into. Every player should have the feeling that his individuality is being considered.?
The Guardian didn?t list them, but I looked around and found that Reiss? 16 basic human desires are: power, independence, curiosity, acceptance, order, saving, honor, idealism, social contact, family, status, vengeance, romance, eating, physical exercise, and tranquility. From Ohio State Research Communications:
?These desires are what drive our everyday actions and make us who we are,? Reiss said. ?What makes individuals unique is the combination and ranking of these desires.?
Reiss said at least 14 of the 16 basic desires seem to have a genetic basis. Only the desires for idealism and acceptance don?t appear to have a genetic component. ?Most of these desires are similar to those seen in animals, and seem to have some survival value,? Reiss said. ?This indicates they are genetic in origin.?
Is this part of what makes Tim Tebow unique? He could have elevated levels of idealism and order, and low amounts of vengeance and romance. If other NFL teams had used the Reiss survey prior to the draft, someone else might be riding the crest of the Tebow Rainbow right now.
What about Michael Vick? Could the Falcons have avoided a major headache with some pre-hand Reiss knowledge? Should the Colts send the sex questions to Andrew Luck? (?You dropped to the second round? What kind of freaky things are you into, Luck? You said the goat was just a pet!?).
Look, I know of few U.S. athletes who would answer this survey truthfully, or even take the time to fill it out (Hanover isn?t making it mandatory). Plus, who wants to examine the answers to hundreds of creepy sex questions? Well OK, Deadspin, but who else?
At any rate, look for far fewer contact fouls and red cards in the Bundesliga this season. No one is going to want to come within six yards of anyone else.
And in the 2014 World Cup final, Paul the Psychic Octopus chooses ? the missionary position?
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Rick?s Cafe Americain appears on Thursdays. Contact: Rickchand@gmail.com.
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